On Ridiculous Testimonies

On Ridiculous Testimonies  – ‘The Machine gun is not konking’.

My friend, Sandra sent me a short clip of a woman at a church giving a testimony. Apparently, the woman’s husband’s ‘priv;ates’ had not worked for three weeks (only three weeks and she is running upandan. Na food? lol). At this disclosure, the ‘man of god’ shouted ‘THE MACHINE GUN IS NOT KONKING! And so, she took a coconut from the church and gave her husband to eat. He ate it and lo and behold! He started working as a husband again. Ok… This is just wrong on so many levels. Why do people come up with these ridiculous stories and call them testimonies? I really do hope the husband does not attend that church. Because if he does, I don’t know about you but if I was in that church and I heard that testimony, any time I saw that man, all I would be thinking in my mind would be ‘hmm… so, you could not perform? I hope you are now performing o’. And I don’t think I am a per:verte:d person. I am normal. I even asked Lawyerman if he would think that and he said most people would think the same thing. So, I am normal then. Confirmed. I then remembered another sister at a church Sandra and I used to attend some 17 years ago. First Sunday of the month was testimony Sunday and without fail, this sister would come up with her ‘testimony’. And it would always be about being chased by one thing or the other – snakes, lions, tigers, mamiwaters, shigidis, egberes… and being killed in her dreams and her testimony would be that she woke alive even though they killed her in those dreams. Sandra and I don’t remember her name or even what she looked like but her testimonies, we still remember.

Now, what about some of the ‘testimonies’ about assisted conception. Nothing wrong in assisted conception. Lawyerman and I did consider assisted conception earlier on but we did not follow it through.  I was scared of the hormones that would be

Lie meme 1

pumped into me and having had  close family members that died of breast cancer, I was more interested in being alive for my children than in dying in the process of birthing another child. So, you see, I absolutely support assisted conception and the

fact that it worked for a couple is a testimony. The statistics for the unsuccessful attempts are quite high. So, I don’t get why someone would come out and say that the G.O told them to sit on a chair and they did and that month, they got pregnant and had triplets.  Have you noticed that it is usually the people that have long been married and without children that just end up having twins and triplets now? I am glad for them. It is truly the Lord’s doing and it is marvellous in our eyes. And if they decide not to do a public testimony, they are perfectly within their rights not to. And I am glad for them about that too. And if they do decide on a public testimony, they may also decide to just say that after so so years, G:od finally answered their prayers. Fine. But when they come out and say that it was a chair that they sat on? Or that -listen to this, it is a real story o – that they went to see a man of g:od and he did not have time to see them and all he said was that ‘you will get pregnant this month’ and hey presto! Wifey got pregnant that very month. Yeah. Right. And my father was the pope.

 How about this – we were married for 10 years and we went for assisted conception and to the glory of G:od, the procedure worked. We have been blessed with these amazing triplets. How about that? Thing is when people make these ridiculous ‘testimonies’ of having sat on a special chair and getting pregnant, they have rubbished the whole testimony. And the audience know that these people are doing rubbish testimonies,  but will pretend that they believe the rubbish testimony and will clap and shout halleluyah. And how about the people that would have stolen and come to do testimony of how they won a big contract? I heard someone gave a testimony of how they were broke and prayed for money and the very next day, saw wads of money in their bathroom. Yeah. Right. Pull the other one. And worst still is the fact that these pastors and men of god would know that testimonies are fake. But they still go ahead and let them testify. Who are they mocking? G:od is not mocked.

This Post Has 18 Comments

  1. Lmao! Seriously? About time i started going to my bathroom more often, i just might be back to give my own testimony, lol.

    1. Please ‘should in case’ – as my people go talk am, you see any money there, please remember you heard it first here. lol

  2. Absolutely true. U hear some testimonies and your eyes are poping out of their socket and you are men, is this person sane

  3. Hahaha! I’m worried about people who under the guise of giving you a platform to speak, make fame or/and fortune off it. I pity the gullible ones who remain loyal to such fake mediums. Pastors are just the most famous charlatans

    1. And yes, there will be gullible beating themselves up over these ‘testimonies’ saying they want to tap into it.

  4. But Aunty B, our God really work in miraculous and mysterious ways.. And no,I’m not being sarcastic… So maybe you should have an open mind about all these *testimonies*..

  5. Hmmn…well… It’s not impossible to see money in the bathroom*straight face* maybe I will see money in my pot of soup tonight as well.

  6. Pls dont get me started on the people who suddenly have twins and triplets after many years of waiting… then u mention assisted conception and they stare at you aghast like – hell to the no! And I feel like screaming if your assisted conception worked it is still God! Those things fail all the time!!
    But hey… who am I to rubbish their rubbish testimony when my own dey my body.
    I want to find £10 million pounds in my bathroom I already have a plan for spending it to the glory of God

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