On Micropen:is

food micropenis jopasdaughter

My Full English Breakfast

I felt like having a full English breakfast on Friday. For my friends outside of Britain, this is breakfast consisting of fried eggs, bacon, sausages, baked beans, tomatoes, buttered toast or fried bread and tea. You know I did say that I love my food. But what I do is to not eat the toast or fried bread so I can say it a high protein meal. I try to avoid carbs. I was too lazy to go do this for myself even though I had all the ingredients at home. You will soon realise that I am a lazy so and so. Not proud of it but I own it. Yorubas say that ‘ti elese ba ti mo ese e, ko ni pe ni ori ikunle’ – if the sinner knows what they have done wrong, they won’t need to kneel down for long. So, I am lazy, I own it. And I hate cooking too. So, I decided to go to the greasy spoon on my street. As I walk in, and looked up at the TV screen, what did I see? ‘LIVING WITH MICRO – PENIS’. Wat?!

Confusion first catch me. Micro-pen:is? There is a name for it? Honestly, I did not know whether I could still sit down and eat with the imagery in my mind. But I decided to soldier on. The walk back home is uphill. Very steep uphill walk. I can’t do that walk back without rewarding myself beforehand with my full English. So, I order my number 8 on the menu. And sat down to wait for my food. And as one is wont to do when waiting for one’s food to arrive, against my wishes, my mind went to the m’icrope:nis issue. How? Oyinbo sha! And this culture of not hiding anything. I always debate this culture difference in my mind and with people who care to listen to my debates. Which is better? Our culture of secrecy? Or Oyinbo culture of openness? I think I am open but I am still shocked by Oyinbo level of openness. JOPA once said to me ‘nitori, o’n gbe ni ilu geesi, iwa na, o’n huwa bi geesi. O’o ni asiri. Bunmi! Ko de da’! Because you live in England, you also behave like an English person. You have no secrets Bunmi. And it is not good!

Ask a Nigerian how are they? ‘It is well’ or ‘We are favoured’ is what they will tell you. Never mind that their aged Mum in the village is worryingly ill or that Bingo, their dog ate their O’ level Certificate and they have not been able to get a certified copy from WAEC while their employer is breathing down their necks for them to produce their certificate. No. Never mind that. They are favoured. It is well. How about, I am fine but things could be better, I am worried about my aged mum in the village? Or, I am ok but worried that I might not be able to get my O’ level certificates in time for the deadline to produce it at work’? But ask an Oyinbo. How are you? ‘Oh!’ they might say. Then, they might make a comical gesture maybe like sighing and hunching their shoulders. And then proceed to tell you of their aged mum and how her health is worrying. How they are debating whether to keep her at home with her independence or get her to a home where she will not be independent but will have round the clock care. And you make comforting sounds as they speak. You might also put a comforting arm round them and tell them it is well (You are Nigerian after all). Or they may tell you about how Sniper their dog (never Bingo. Oyinbo don’t name their dogs Bingo for some reason. Bingo na Naija dog) ate their O level certificate. And you too, you will laugh heartily with them (abi? How for do? Pesin wey get certificate wey dog chop dey laf na), but how luckily, they were able to get a certified copy within 2 days form EDEXEL (or whatever their equivalent of WAEC is). How they were able to meet the deadline for the submission of the certificate at work. Before I knew to avoid my next door neighbour’s eye contact, she would give me a step by step account of how her son would rather play his Playstation than study for his upcoming A Levels. Now I have learnt. When I am passing the front of her house, I put my head down and quickly keep it moving.

Living With A Micropenis JopasdaughterAnyway, back to this Micro-pen:is issue… How many Nigerian men would come out on National television to say ‘yes o. My peepuls, I have a micro-penis’? Somehow, I don’t see that happening. Ever. Instead, na dem go dey strut around like Lions. These are the kind of guys that you would think would be devoted to the one lady who does not mind their measurement. But nooooo. Not them. Actually… could there be a ‘micro-pen:is’ syndrome? Like a ‘short man’ syndrome? Because now that I think of it, when I was in Uni in Jos, the two of my friends who have complained about guys whose measurements I suspect might be described as micro thought that they had caught a ‘big’ fish. No pun intended. These two guys were town guys. Rich? Check. Good looking? Check. Swaga? Check. Lothario? Check. But when the deed had to be done, there was not much to work with. With my friend, Efe, she said the guy’s foreplay skills was A+ (they always seem to have fantastic foreplay skills – probably as compensation?). And she waited for the consummation. And the guy rolled over. He had been. While Efe was still waiting. She did not know he had been because she did not feel pim. And my other friend, Basirat, her own toaster was also fine and charismatic like the other guy. But Basirat na sharp girl… She insisted on feeling him before they got too far. She used style to ‘feel’ that area. And felt nothing. But she thought that maybe seeing would be believing. Her seeing was unbelievable. Not much to work on.

As my mind was roaming all over the place with this micro-penis issue, my food arrived. So, I pushed micro-peni:s image away from my mind. And dug into my full English. Cheers.

PS…Disclaimer… I am neither Efe nor Basirat o. And I am not a man bashing female. My mind just tends to roam and think such thoughts on its own accord. I do love my Naija men. They are the best.

NB… Random fact – King Henry VIII used to wear a co:ck-piece under his breeches to appear bigger.

This Post Has 29 Comments

  1. Wow. I cant believe I read the whole post to the last bit. Thanks for entertaining and enlightening us. God bless you

  2. i got referred this page by a friend and superb writer whom I’ve been pestering to start a blog,im really loving it..keep it up dearie.I’m checking you up daily

    1. Thank you Ajumocherish (sir? ma?) I’m glad you enjoyed it. Pease send my regards to your friend. Please continue dropping in and also recommend the blog to others.

  3. Bunmi, I finally got around to visiting your blog. Indeed it was worth the effort and I enjoyed the last one. It kind of left me wanting more and more cos u touched on quite a lot of interesting issues in one short essay. I would have wanted u to delve more on the topics, particularly the last one. I love the personal touch u added by trying to reply every comment, I hope u can retain it when comments get to over a hundred per post as am sure they soon will. Also I respected Sean’s view in his comment, but most of all I loved how u responded to it in a mature and professional manner. Am sure you have won a loyal “Jopaite” in him. You also need to increase awareness about the blog as it presents something different and refreshing. By the way if not for Sean, I was gonna add in the tradition of some funny xters “First male to comment”….lolsss!

    1. Hi Dele!

      Thanks for dropping by. I appreciate your kind words. I will try my best to keep replying to each comment. If you have any idea(s) on how I can increase awareness, I would be glad to know your thoughts. I hope you shall be dropping by often. Please subscribe and share as well. That will certainly increase awareness!

  4. My advice, this is a sensitive issue.

    It seems you just took the piss at all the men struggling with the reality that they might never be enough for their significant other.

    You have no idea how it feels to hear guys gloat over their dick size, especially when that’s all they have. It’s more painful still to hear women praise then, or take a piss at a guy for not having a big dick.

    These days it doesn’t matter whether you have a good brain in your head, as long as you have a big dick you’re the man.

    You should be sensitive.

    I know people who have lived in misery all their lives, I know people who will never get naked in front of a lady, and who will never allow a “smart” girl like your friend use style to feel for their manhood, just because of this.

    We don’t bash girls with flat chests and flat bottoms as badly as we bash guys with small dicks.

    Doc you want half the guys in the world to kill themselves?

    Do you know the excruciating pain of thinking your gf/wife has been with a bigger guy in the past, and is just managing you?

    Madam, you no try at all.

    1. Sean, Hi. Thanks for your comment. I have not written this post to make fun of men who are not endowed. It is not their fault after all. This post is about the culture of secrecy that we have in Nigeria vis a vis the culture of openness that obtains here in the UK. I would never deliberately make fun of issues that we have no control over. But I am speaking from experience and that is that
      1 Nigerians are very secretive.
      2 The two guys that I have heard to have this issue have not helped by being lotharios.
      Yes, the topic says ‘on Micro-penis’ because that is what got me thinking about how open Oyinbo people are about whatever issues they have. I have not in the article made fun of the issue of having a small penis. I have my own body issues that I speak about too. Please look beyond the micro-penis issue and look at the general article. Thanks for visiting. I hope you shall be popping in again.

  5. Hahaha, I cannot stop laughing
    Another nice piece by you just will not read your work while I am in my office no more . I am sure everyone thinks I have lost the plot ?? I am still laughing the Nigerian loud and shoulders going up and down

    1. Lol. Ok…please try to read during your break times then. Abi? But please sha keep reading mu posts. Thanks Bola.

  6. Upon seeing the topic of discussion and the plate of food,I made a comparison between “it” and the sausage in your plate,and I thought,”Aunty Bunmi will make the connection and may not be able to eat these sausages “.
    But alas,you didn’t.
    LOL.

  7. So true about nigerians and secret…… For example when an oyinbo person ger belle its all over her dp and fb pic and dey even allow you touch/ feel dere big belle but my fellow nigerians haaaa lailai…… If u touch her belle u wnt to change s swatiny of her baby or suck the baby’s blood and you dare not post pic on any social media untill she has pop koz winch dey everywhr lol.

  8. Hahaha sis B an you coul eat the sausage on your plate? Hope it was a big one to compensate for the micro-imagery lol

  9. Super brave to go on national tv and discuss their measurement. I guess no one can use that to shame them since they are owning and living in their truth.

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