I felt like having a full English breakfast on Friday. For my friends outside of Britain, this is breakfast consisting of fried eggs, bacon, sausages, baked beans, tomatoes, buttered toast or fried bread and tea. You know I did say that I love my food. But what I do is to not eat the toast or fried bread so I can say it a high protein meal. I try to avoid carbs. I was too lazy to go do this for myself even though I had all the ingredients at home. You will soon realise that I am a lazy so and so. Not proud of it but I own it. Yorubas say that ‘ti elese ba ti mo ese e, ko ni pe ni ori ikunle’ – if the sinner knows what they have done wrong, they won’t need to kneel down for long. So, I am lazy, I own it. And I hate cooking too. So, I decided to go to the greasy spoon on my street. As I walk in, and looked up at the TV screen, what did I see? ‘LIVING WITH MICRO – PENIS’. Wat?!
Confusion first catch me. Micro-pen:is? There is a name for it? Honestly, I did not know whether I could still sit down and eat with the imagery in my mind. But I decided to soldier on. The walk back home is uphill. Very steep uphill walk. I can’t do that walk back without rewarding myself beforehand with my full English. So, I order my number 8 on the menu. And sat down to wait for my food. And as one is wont to do when waiting for one’s food to arrive, against my wishes, my mind went to the m’icrope:nis issue. How? Oyinbo sha! And this culture of not hiding anything. I always debate this culture difference in my mind and with people who care to listen to my debates. Which is better? Our culture of secrecy? Or Oyinbo culture of openness? I think I am open but I am still shocked by Oyinbo level of openness. JOPA once said to me ‘nitori, o’n gbe ni ilu geesi, iwa na, o’n huwa bi geesi. O’o ni asiri. Bunmi! Ko de da’! Because you live in England, you also behave like an English person. You have no secrets Bunmi. And it is not good!
Ask a Nigerian how are they? ‘It is well’ or ‘We are favoured’ is what they will tell you. Never mind that their aged Mum in the village is worryingly ill or that Bingo, their dog ate their O’ level Certificate and they have not been able to get a certified copy from WAEC while their employer is breathing down their necks for them to produce their certificate. No. Never mind that. They are favoured. It is well. How about, I am fine but things could be better, I am worried about my aged mum in the village? Or, I am ok but worried that I might not be able to get my O’ level certificates in time for the deadline to produce it at work’? But ask an Oyinbo. How are you? ‘Oh!’ they might say. Then, they might make a comical gesture maybe like sighing and hunching their shoulders. And then proceed to tell you of their aged mum and how her health is worrying. How they are debating whether to keep her at home with her independence or get her to a home where she will not be independent but will have round the clock care. And you make comforting sounds as they speak. You might also put a comforting arm round them and tell them it is well (You are Nigerian after all). Or they may tell you about how Sniper their dog (never Bingo. Oyinbo don’t name their dogs Bingo for some reason. Bingo na Naija dog) ate their O level certificate. And you too, you will laugh heartily with them (abi? How for do? Pesin wey get certificate wey dog chop dey laf na), but how luckily, they were able to get a certified copy within 2 days form EDEXEL (or whatever their equivalent of WAEC is). How they were able to meet the deadline for the submission of the certificate at work. Before I knew to avoid my next door neighbour’s eye contact, she would give me a step by step account of how her son would rather play his Playstation than study for his upcoming A Levels. Now I have learnt. When I am passing the front of her house, I put my head down and quickly keep it moving.
Anyway, back to this Micro-pen:is issue… How many Nigerian men would come out on National television to say ‘yes o. My peepuls, I have a micro-penis’? Somehow, I don’t see that happening. Ever. Instead, na dem go dey strut around like Lions. These are the kind of guys that you would think would be devoted to the one lady who does not mind their measurement. But nooooo. Not them. Actually… could there be a ‘micro-pen:is’ syndrome? Like a ‘short man’ syndrome? Because now that I think of it, when I was in Uni in Jos, the two of my friends who have complained about guys whose measurements I suspect might be described as micro thought that they had caught a ‘big’ fish. No pun intended. These two guys were town guys. Rich? Check. Good looking? Check. Swaga? Check. Lothario? Check. But when the deed had to be done, there was not much to work with. With my friend, Efe, she said the guy’s foreplay skills was A+ (they always seem to have fantastic foreplay skills – probably as compensation?). And she waited for the consummation. And the guy rolled over. He had been. While Efe was still waiting. She did not know he had been because she did not feel pim. And my other friend, Basirat, her own toaster was also fine and charismatic like the other guy. But Basirat na sharp girl… She insisted on feeling him before they got too far. She used style to ‘feel’ that area. And felt nothing. But she thought that maybe seeing would be believing. Her seeing was unbelievable. Not much to work on.
As my mind was roaming all over the place with this micro-penis issue, my food arrived. So, I pushed micro-peni:s image away from my mind. And dug into my full English. Cheers.
PS…Disclaimer… I am neither Efe nor Basirat o. And I am not a man bashing female. My mind just tends to roam and think such thoughts on its own accord. I do love my Naija men. They are the best.
NB… Random fact – King Henry VIII used to wear a co:ck-piece under his breeches to appear bigger.