One cold Saturday morning 5 years ago, I and my neighbours at my compound in Abakaliki where I lived as a student woke up to a woman shouting. Okwa serious shout o. I wanted to maintain the snobbish status I had acquired in that compound and stick to my bed but the shouts were getting louder. On an environmental sanitation Saturday no less.
I gave in and went outside. A lady was jacking one of my landlord’s friend by his trousers, pulling him back and forth, shouting “pay me my 3 tasand o. Na condition make Crayfish bend. Oga you musto pay me today otherwise two of us go die here o”.
Say what! Who forming snob epp? I needed that gist more than my lungs needed oxygen.
My landlord came out and tried to intercede. To understand the gist you have to know that my landlord has a room he rents to his friends for action. Short time, 500 naira. Long time or overnight, 1000. Everyone who has ever visited me knows this. His friends and their ‘catch’ sit and drink while waiting for the doer to finish and come and gist them so the next couple will enter.
As a matter of fact, there was a time he was using a room near ours. Me and my neighbour would be hearing kpokiri kpokiri in what we thought was an empty room. We didn’t know there was a secret door for his friends to come and do. One night the noise got too much that my neighbour woke up and started serious midnight prayer. Witches and wizards something. I was responding with Amen without knowing that people were just having fun.
Now back to the gist. Turns out that the screaming lady was an ashawo. She told him that short time was 1000 and TDB was 3000. The man opted for TDB. They got back to the room, he did one round for a long time and slept off. In the morning he refused to pay 3000 because he did only one round.
The babe was now shouting, “dat one round wey you do long pass one awa. How you go dey on top person like dat? You dey dig bore hole? Na me ask you make you no do again? You go know me today o. Oga pay me now now o. If to say you dismiss me dat time you know how many customers I suppose don get? You say make I wait say e go rise again. Rise e no rise. Na my fault?”
The man whose tiny ego must have been bruised told the lady that he didn’t ‘rise’ again because she couldn’t do. That her doing skills were like eating sour egusi.
What a beautiful morning it was.
My landlord drew the man to the side and told him to pay up before passers-by would report the scene to his wife. That this was the reason he advised him to be doing with those pino pino umuazi not ashewos that will embarrass you.
Dude listened and grudgingly paid up. The babe no gree release am. She deftly counted the money with one hand and put it inside her bra before shoving him away with curses. By that time the whole street had converged. She did not send. She couldn’t leave because of the environmental sanitation so she sat down and ordered small stout.
See eh, that babe is the truth!!! Much respect to her wherever she is.