Let’s talk about embarrassing stories. I will go first. A few years ago, before fibroids and motherhood, wrecked my ‘sepesepe’ shape, I used to like to wear figure hugging clothes to emphasise my big ikebe and my small(ish) waist. On this day, I had worn tight Capri pants. And a cropped top, with high heels. I was particularly feeling myself in those Capri pants. I had bought them at the Saturday Finsbury Park market. I wonder if that market still exists but in those days, that market was the place for funky clothes. So, I was feeling myself. I lived at Thamesmead then and I got on the train to get down at Abbey Wood. And another thing – in those days, I had a very confident walk. I used to swing my hips from side to side then. So, I got down from the train and was walking confidently, swinging my hips. Unbeknownst to me, my Capri pants had ripped from the waist down.And I was wearing Gstrings as I usually did. And I did not know, did not feel the breeze against my bare chicks.
As I was walking down, I did not notice that people were lining up behind me and no one was overtaking my walk. I kept doing my confident walk. Then a (Hausa) guy walks up behind him. I turned to give him a look of ‘don’t even think of toasting me, I am not interested’. And that was when I noticed the long queue of people sniggering behind me. The guy then continues walking very close behind me and told me that he would walk me home. He told me that he had gotten down at the last carriage of the train and was wondering why people were queueing behind me and walking slowly instead walking fast by me. He then decided to walk up and see why people were walking behind me, slowly, and that was when he saw my yansh outside and the Oyinbo walking behind me and sniggering, doing ‘follow the leader’.
I lived very far from the station so, we had to go to my friend’s place instead. I could have died of embarrassment when I got to my friend Amaka’s place and looked at the damage in the mirror. Amaka actually cried for me to think that my whole yansh had been out for the whole world see.
Another one – this one happened in Uni. If you were in Uni Jos in the 80s, you would know that the area field called bus park was where students hung out in between lectures. That is where the cool kids hung out anyway. If you wanted to be noticed, all you had to do was walk across the bus park. Not beside o. Across. That fateful (or faithful day as my peeps call it), I had just arrived from London for Summer and I wanted the whole school to see me in my new baffs. In particular, I wanted Foli, the guy I had a serious crush to see me in my new baffs. So, I walked across. In my mini skirt and high heels. Now that was not a usual outfit o. My usual outfits were flat court shoes or low heeled shoes to cope with the rigours of lectures. As I was walking across the bus park, feeling all eyes on me, suddenly, I was on the floor. Just like that. I was too emabbaressed to walk. I saw from the corners of my eyes people laughing. People always laugh when people fall don’t they? I don’t know why we were created that way. I do it too so, I don’t blame them. Any, I decided to pretend that I fell because I had lost consciousness. So, I lay still still on the ground. Even though my skirt was askew, I lay there like that. With a hint of my ‘paent’ showing and more of the same threatening to show with the way the wind was blowing my skirt around. I knew that if I should try to cover my ‘paent’, my cover would be blown.
So, I lay still on the ground, with a hint of my ‘paent’ showing, till the laughter gradually stopped, to be replaced by people rushing to my aid and getting me into a taxi and taking my room in the hostel. Well, they were talking about taking me to the school’s health centre when I started slowly regained consciousness. My fellow Josites were just too relieved too see that I was ok to laugh at me. So, next time you fall in public and are too embarrassed to get up. Don’t get up. Feign unconsciousness and see or feel the mirth turn to concern for you.
So, what is yours? Leave yours as a comment. Any embarrassing post we post will get N1K airtime. So, that means you will leave your mobile number for us to text the top up code to. Your phone number and network please.