A Facebook aburo sent me a message yesterday. She wanted a divorce lawyer in Naija. Do I know of one she asked. I said yes. But wait o, I hope it is not for you. She said yes sis, it might be. Ha! But you just got married na. She said yes, she just did, but she is beginning to have doubts. I said, mschew. That is normal na. You are not perfect, he is not perfect so, as you are having doubts, so maybe he sef may be having doubts about you. She said, egbon, iz nor like dat. We are always arguing. All we do is fight over the phone and even when we see each other, na fight fight fight fight fight. He says I am too stubborn, that I am too free spirited. I said he should accept me the way that I am.
I laughed. I said to her even a few days ago sef, Lawyerman called me the same thing when I told him that I don’t live my life by what others expect me to do but by what I feel is right by me and by God. She said, I want him to love me and accept me for me and not try to change me. I said but if what he is asking you to change is not of your core value, you can change na. And he too can change what you want him to change that is not of core value to him. Both of you can find an equilibrium.
Before I met Lawyerman, I loved to flirt verbally. Oh! I could flirt for Europe (and we know Oyinbos can like to flirt). I just thought that it was a mark of intelligence if a man can carry on a conversation of double entendres with me and not be dirty. Lawyerman did not like it. He said for a man, a conversation of double entrendres meant one thing – the girl wants sex. To me, I did not want sex, I was just having fun. This thing caused a whole lot of trouble and fights for us. Then one day, I said to myself, this flirting that I am flirting that is causing my darling so much pain, is it core to me? Does it put money in my account? NO was the answer to both. So, I stopped it. Today, I would not even be able to flirt verbally with a man even if my life depended on it. I have lost the skill. And my man has not had any cause to complain over that anymore.
Lawyerman still thinks I am stubborn o. And I still think that he too conservative for my liking. Sometimes in my mind, I am like e ma gba mi keh! Even JOPA was not like dis keh. We still argue and there are things that he has asked me to change which I have not changed and which I don’t feel the conviction to change. But we don’t have our explosive fights anymore. Ina ti Lawyerman gbe sori, o ti so si’le. The faya he carried on his head, he has put it down. We are now happily married.
I asked my Facebook aburo to look for her husband’s mumu button. My own husband’s mumu button is this – he likes to feel domineering. So, if I want something really bad, and I know he would most likely say no, I kneel down in front of him and ask him is a soft voice. I wait till when I have given him a round of explosive nookie and jejeli ask him. He does not like it when you tell him you are doing something whether he likes it or not. I told her the first couple of years in a marriage is difficult as both partners jostle for upper hand but on getting an equilibrium, there will be peace in the marriage.
So, this is an invitation for HAPPILY married couple to share their tips for ensuring a long lasting happy marriage. The operative word here is HAPPY. HAPPY. If your marriage is not a happy one, please use your church mind and stay quiet and take notes and maybe use it in yours so that your marriage may be happy too.