Lawyerman stopped smoking about 15 years ago. And me? I started smoking about 5 years…
I once tried bleaching my skin. Because of a man. Oh the stupid things we do for love. I heard an OAP in their new book also said they were (are?) bleaching because of a man? Well… I hope the person receives sense and gets to know that no man is worth removing your melanin for.
Ex mi, o’n se nkan, sina ni wo’n pe. My ex , he did something, they call it promiscuity. That guy could (still can?) promiscuitise for Africa. So, I suspected that his latest side chic lived nearby cos the buzzer would go off and he would tell me not to check. The buzzer would be incessant like ‘ I KNOW YOU ARE IN THERE!!!’ So, I suspected that Dafe was seeing someone nearby. Because no one could come from a far place without confirming that they would be let in and at odd times of that, like midnight or 5am.
I asked him questions. Then he dropped the bomb shell. Yes, he was seeing a girl in the neighbourhood. And she was mixed race. What kind of race mixing I asked. Half Naija, half Brazilian. JEZOZ! Exotic Braz and fantastic Naija combo? At this time, my self esteem was already zero. Dafe had seriously fi;ngggggered by brain wella by that time. This news of a mixed race rival pushed my self esteem from zero to minus. How. Am. I. Supposed. To. Compete. With a mixed race rival!? Yall know how beautiful mixed race peeps are. JEZOZ! What to do? What to do? WHAT TO DO!?!?
So, I went to Deptford market and got creams in tubes. And you know that when a bleaching cream is dangerously strong, it gets put in a tube. And they are given names like Betnoderm or Dermovate or something like that sha. So, I started bleaching. Before you could say jakro, in less than a week, I was already mixed race looking. Then, by the second week, my skin started revolting and I broke out in big carbuncles on my face. Thank God for those carbuncles.
That was what reset my brain back to zero self esteem from the minus. I suddenly remembered that I have naturally beautiful skin which is so beautiful that I get complimented for it. Skin that naturally glows and which I got from my Ladega genes – my mum’s side. See the skin I wanted to go and spoil with blishin?