I was talking to Anne, a nice girl who Is Facebook friend that has become an aburo to me. She had previously been engaged to a guy that was bad in a bad way. He did not beat her but the emotional and financial abuse was great. When she complained to the boy’s mum, the boy’s mum begged her to be patient, that that is how his dad is to her and has not changed in the more than 40 years of marriage (how that was supposed to be of comfort, I don’t know) and that she (My ‘aburo’) is even lucky. That that boy that was my aburo’s fiancé is the best of the lot. That he has never hit a woman before unlike his father who hits her (his mother) and his brothers who hit their wives (once again, how is this supposed to be of comfort?).
Anyway! The engagement ended when she found that he had im-pre’gn:ated someone else. Now, this my aburo, works in one of the Multinational oil companies, has her own side business, lives in Lekki and travels quite a bit for holiday – America, Dubai, Europe. So, she met a guy that says he is serious and wants to marry her. And the guy said to her ‘ Anne, I hope that you know that once we get married, all these your travelling upandan for holidays will stop ehn’?
And that was the end of the budding relationship. The good thing about a bad relationship is that it lets you know what you will not put up with in your next relationship(s).
It was her sister that gave me that jist of traveling. Anne herself gangan spoke to me yesterday and it turns out that the no travel saga was NOT the only demands broda came up with. But that was the straw that broke the proverbial Carmel’s back. You want to hear one of broda’s demands? Ok.
Turns out that both Anne and broda work in the same industry but not the same company so, they both have an idea of what the other person earns, if not exactly to the last kobo, but at least, a general idea. Broda is Anne’s senior in the industry and one day, broda called Anne and said ‘ Anne, we need to talk about our expectations in the marriage o’. ‘Fair enough’ said Anne. ‘What would you like to talk about’? Broda said ‘our finances’. ‘Good idea’ said Anne. ‘A lot of marriages fail because the couple don’t have clear expectations set out regarding finances before getting married’. ‘Ah! Very good’ said broda. ‘I am glad we are on the same page. When we get married, we will have to contribute 50-50- to the finances of the household’. ‘Ehn? But you earn more than me na’. ‘Ah’ said Broda, ‘please don’t say that o. We are in modern times and everyman expects his wife to pull her weight financially’. ‘Of course I will pull my weight financially, but we cant do 50-50 na. That is not fair. You earn more than me. You should take more of the finances and I will take some but I should not have to carry as much as you’ she said. ‘No’ said broda. ‘This is a modern marriage. 50-50. School fees, rent, food, bills, 50-50. A marriage cannot work on one person doing more than the other. It must be 50-50’. ‘But not in this case where you earn more than me na. My parents both work, my father earns more than my mum and my father carries all the finances and my mum’s salary is hers to spend as she likes and they are happily married still’. ‘Ah’ said Broda, ‘your parents are old school o. Those our father’s generation, ego is their problem. They will be carrying responsibility that they don’t need to carry because they want to be seen as the head of the home. Times have moved beyond that abeg’.
‘Ok’ said Anne. ‘If we contribute 50-50 financially even though you earn more than me, the 50-50 should carry on in other areas of the marriage too’. ‘Like what’? Broda asked. ‘Like the house chores’. ‘WHAT’? Broda laughed out loud. ‘You can’t be serious’ he said. ‘But I am, and very much so’ said Anne. ‘You cook, I cook. You clean the house, I clean the house. When children come, you take care of them, I take care of them’. Broda roared with laughter. ‘Really? Does your dad cook, wash plates’? ‘No’ said Anne. ‘But then, my parents’ marriage is not a modern marriage as you said. My mum does not contribute financially but she takes care of the house front. You want a modern marriage where we contribute 50-50, then let us do it’. ‘You are not ready to get married’ said broda
What Broda did not know that with this his mindset, Anne had written him off so, when he came up with the ‘shey you know that when we marry, you won’t be travelling’ malarkey, Anne kukuma kicked him to the kerb. No time for nonsense.
Now he is begging her.